Just when you thought Facebook was collecting too much of your personal information, you decided to just go ahead and share the rest of it. People you barely talk to, or even know, who are your "friends" have access to a huge new chapter of your life, your insights, your craziness. Some might say--are you sure you want to share all of this information in such detail?
You don't really mind--you were going to write it anyway, and besides--if you can't laugh over your life (or let perfect strangers do it with you), it leaves something to be desired.
What I (I mean,
you) have found, is that it's actually been quite rewarding. You've gotten some small, if valuable pats on the back, and have a new hobby. However, the very
best thing about sharing stuff, is that it makes
other people share stuff--and then you learn that really cool people are ALSO HAVING BABIES!!!
I have sparked up a friendship with one girl/lady in particular I went to high school with, who lives about 45 minutes away. We weren't like, after-school-hangout friends, but we knew each other by face, name and demeanor, and I think we would've had a great time working on some sort of project together--that kind of thing.
She sent me a message saying she was due in June, mentioning that she came up my way for yoga classes pretty often, and suggested we grab lunch, to which I enthusiastically agreed.
We met up for the first time right before Mother's Day I think, and aside from the fact that we had a really nice lunch at
one of my favorite places, we also had some completely refreshing conversation. I felt like a million bucks by the time we finished our two-hour meal (mostly talking, lay off), and it's because I realized how different this time was compared to the months of asking questions and collecting stories from women who already
had been pregnant.
After talking with my new/old friend, who was a few months ahead, but largely in the same place as I was, I found great security in the relevance, uncertainty, and commiseration that were shared in our conversation. It made me feel more comfortable in my instincts, confident in my research, and content in my body. Here are more of my thoughts as to why this is so fantastic:
Important for young pregnant women:
For your own mental health, try to find someone about your age (important) and demeanor (also important) to talk to
who is also pregnant (most important). I have strong feelings about the idea that as soon as most women actually push out that first kid, they lose empathy for newly pregnant women--often saying things like "it only gets worse", "this is nothing", and "oh, just you wait", all of which are equally unhelpful.
What
are helpful, are phrases that will undoubtedly be uttered by your pregnant friend--things like, "I KNOW", "So I'm not the only one", "HAHAHAHAHA", and "I have to pee too".
The reason I mention age has more to do with relevance than anything else. You may trust your women relatives, co-workers and friends with your whole heart, but if they're not in the same age bracket as you (if the last child they delivered was at least twenty years ago), there is something far removed about the urgency, and sometimes accuracy of their advice. Having your kids fully grown and healthy sort of just leaves you with an "everything will be fine" remnant, which in a way is helpful, but you often want to talk serious turkey here without someone making you feel like you're freaking out. (You need the security of relevance.)
The wide-eyedness of your questions about hospital birth alone will incite a "just relax" overtone, and then--woop--here come the experiences and recommendations, which may or may not scare the hell out of you. Do not misunderstand me:
it is good to hear the experiences of older, wiser women. But you can't
only talk to them, or you will
only be scared for nine whole months. Even fast moving labors aren't a cake walk, and of course you're going to hear about how much it sucks if you ask people how it went. And the scariest thing will be that you know you won't get
any of their experiences, and you'll get a whole new cocktail of terror stuck in your mind that you'll have the rest of your pregnancy to fret about.
Fear-mongering ("sharing") is a great tradition among women, and there becomes a bit of competitiveness about it--the number of hours, the length of a contraction, use of an intervention, THE SIZE OF A HEAD. We all just want to be the toughest, or the most greatly pitied.
That's why finding a friend who has a relatively clean slate is ideal. Then you can honestly talk about what you want, what you're afraid of, what you're okay with or even excited for without someone trying to give you an answer, counter or solution (Security in mutual uncertainty). I personally think not knowing everything can be a good thing, as it often leaves a larger chance that things can go amazingly well.
Now, when I say demeanor, I largely mean two things: do you both have the same general ideas about what you want for your birth (unmedicated homebirth, scheduled c-section, in-between), and can you trust that this person will hang out with you again after you tell her about a weird spot you found on your nip (aka do you have security in commiserating with her).
If there is too great a disparity between your birthing plans, you may not feel super comfortable talking about it (again: it sounds like you're competing), and won't be able to enrich your own knowledge about things you'd like for yourself or your baby. Birth is such a personal thing, and I've largely gathered that as long as everyone's healthy, there's no wrong way to do it, but I
also know that it's hard to open up, feel safe or be willing to learn around someone who is adamantly not in the same boat as you.
This has been on my mind for a while, and after hanging out with Kate a few times, I've been able to piece together why it's been so helpful to me. We're both birthing in hospitals with midwives, and want to go as natural as possible. There are some minor separations--where I plan on taking a natural childbirth class, she has been reading some really helpful books instead (which she has shared with me). I plan on trying out waterbirth since it's available in my hospital--things like that.
It's a very open exchange--lots of laughing--very calm and optimistic. We don't dwell on what we're afraid of, and it seems we've both kind of made a decision to just take that phase of our pregnancies
head-on. It's been an unbelievable relief, and a ton of fun. Literally got this fortune cookie the night after we hung out:
Soooooo TRUE!
Bottom line is that no one has all the answers, or knows how it's all going to go, but everyone should be allowed to dream up what their ideal birth should entail, without worry or judgement. I would recommend checking out places like
What to Expect or
BabyCenter's online communities if you're not lucky enough to have a friend or two who's pregnancy overlaps with yours in as many ways as you want. You can even find other people who are trying to conceive if you're not there yet.
Then you can be awkward and arch your backs,
together!
