Part 2

So, as I alluded, Frank's number was called first, and I was on my own from there. No big deal. We already have our documents checked, and the worst is over.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'm sitting in the waiting area, when I realize that there are extra chairs in every booth for errand-runner-withers, so I decide to butt-in on Frank's extremely pleasant (really) MVA session. This lady is downright chipper, and nicely prompts Frank ("sir") to check his information for errors on the screen in front of him. A minute or two later, and I'm called to a booth a few steps away, and the atmosphere of the first booth has given me a boost. Perhaps too much of a boost.

"HI! I'm here! I'm so fast!" I give a manic "ha-ha", and it's clear that this lady isn't on my level. She was obviously hoping for another 45 seconds of solace, not to be bum-rushed by Pippi Longstocking.

She asks me for my documents, and I hand her everything the last counter had approved--old NY drivers license, social security card, passport, tax filing from last year, marriage certificate, left arm and rental agreement. That should cover it.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA.

"You need another proof of address, do you have something else with your address on it?"
"Um, they said I had everything I needed."
"Well, she didn't look at the rental agreement. It needs to be signed."
[IRRITATED] "WE SIGNED ALL OVER THAT THING."
[flips around pages] "Well, the landowner never signed it. It needs to be signed."
[Stares blankly in disbelief]
"It has to be signed. We can't use it"
[Tell me one more time that it needs to be signed.]
"It has to be signed."
[EYES WIDEN IN FURY]
"Do you have anything else?"
"Well--[SIGH], I have a W-2--"
"We don't take W-2"
[A little worried, becoming nauseous] "pfffff...well I have a pay stub that's less than 6 months ol--"
"We don't take paystubs."
[Gets ign'ant.] "WELL THEN WHY DOES IT SAY THAT YOU DO ON YOUR WEBSITE?"
"We don't take those for proof of residence--here, let me find the list and I'll show y--"
[Gets up and starts walking away] "DON'T BOTHER. IT DOESN'T MATTER. If you don't take it, you don't take it. Let me go get the rest of what we brought from my husband."

I stalk to a still cheerful Frank and Lady, grab the folder with both hands, and air my grievance.

"APPARENTLY, THE RENTAL AGREEMENT IS NO GOOD BECAUSE THE LANDLORD NEVER SIGNED IT. SHE'S TRYIN' TO SCREW US OVER HERE."

I storm back without a response from happy camp, and sit back down. Here comes the "P"card...

[Still in a tiff] "I'm SORRY. I'm just PREGNANT, and my husband DRAGGED me out of bed before 8 and...[sighhhh] I just WANT this to go WELL...I know this job is probably hell, and I don't want to make it worse for you."

[understanding silence. Starts digging through what I quickly and reluctantly realize is the remainder of a useless collection of four years worth of documents.] "We can't take these."

The woman sits in front of me, unsure of what to do now that her job of rejecting otherwise useful things has reached completion. At this point I have realized that the great width of the desk between us is no accident. Even if I stood up to scream and helicoptered my fists at her (instead of just thinking about it), I still wouldn't have come close.

So instead I sit dejected, shading my eyes from the woman, looking down, also unsure of what to do.

Frank pops over, sees how downtrodden I am, and straight up does this woman's job. "So I heard I can sign for you or something since I got my license already" [shows me his ridiculously smiley drivers license, adorned with crab holograms.]

"Oh yeah, if you're married, he can sign as a proof of residence."

I COULD HAVE EXPLODED.
I TOLD THIS WOMAN I WAS RETRIEVING DOCUMENTS FROM MY HUSBAND. I PROVIDED MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE. MAYBE INSTEAD OF TELLING ME 'IT NEEDS TO BE SIGNED', SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A SOLUTION INSTEAD OF PUMPING MY VEINS FULL OF HOMICIDAL RAGE.

"I'll be right back, I have to go to the bathroom." Frank disappears.

[Slight relief in woman] "Well, let's take your picture. Slide to that chair on the side and look at the camera."

I move over to the chair, my eyes still fixed on the woman. I am not ready to smile AT ALL. I'm not going to put on a fake cheese for my license after freaking out. I literally didn't know what to do when she tells me she's taking the picture. So I end up making this really weird crooked smirk face with my head cocked to the side. It won't be the best, but honestly I'm just glad this is almost over.

Luckily, her computer crashes, and it takes 20 minutes to reboot, as she has trouble finding the power button on the FRONT of the console. Oh well. I honestly don't care, because soon I can get out of this torture chamber, and breathe sweet fresh air again. I start to feel calm, if mentally exhausted, and become friendly. Maybe if I forgive her computer ignorance, she'll forgive my complete impatience and unpreparedness.

[Sweetly, head in one hand] "I'm so sorry I got so upset."
[Smiling] "It's okaaay. Soon you can go home and go back to bed."

The computer finally gets back on its feet, she pulls up my file, turns her screen and says,
"This is what it will look like."

"OHHHHH NOOOOOO." [buries face in hands, laughing but not amused.]

This picture is far worse than I imagined. Like, I know they say your driver's license picture is supposed to be bad, but this was just unacceptable. Oh well, I thought. This is what I deserve for causing a scene in the MVA. This is the consequence for causing the Lady working with Frank to say, "I think your wife is having a meltdown."

After fully taking in the picture [see below]

I am pleasantly surprised for the first time today.

"Would you like to take your picture again?"
"YYYYEESS. OHHH, THANK YOU"
[Laughs] "Yeaaah, let's do that over."

And this time I really am happy. I smile with teeth, and walk away with a brand spanking new Maryland Driver's License. We sincerely thank the woman for her help, and then get the HELL OUT OF THERE.

THE END