Pregnancy's toll as of Week 17

So there are a lot of things that happen to a woman's body while she's pregnant, starting with the very first day. Some things show up and stay, others pop in for a week, and others we're unsure whether they were really there (because we'd like to think we imagined them). If you're not into science fiction, you may find this list more horrifying than interesting or funny, so be prepared. I'm going to catalogue (almost) everything I've experienced so far from head to toe.

Head Hair: Not the scariest to start on--looks awesome and is growing well. Looks redder without having used dye.

Body Hair: Terrifying. Grows at rates exponential to pre-pregnancy, revealing my Greek heritage, rather than allowing me to keep my previously expressed Irish traits.

Skin: DRY. So dryyyy. Eczema patches behind my knees, itchy scalp.

Brain: In constant flux. Psychotic, vivid, nightmarish dreams, frequent headaches, reeling thoughts, forgetfulness, rage, pleasant daydreams, dizziness.

Eyes: Crying. Lots of crying. Eyes are also able to accurately detect adorable children under age 2 and women with pregnant bellies from an uncanny distance. Stroller brands and models are easily recognizable.

Nose: Faucet-like running of the nose started 17 weeks ago (40% of all pregnant women have congestion or runny nose for their WHOLE pregnancy). Also, I am a bloodhound. I can smell potato salad in a sealed container wrapped in a paper bag from a room away, or my neighbors cooking hamburgers while inside my house with the doors and windows closed. However, I can almost never smell my own farts.

Mouth: Gums bleed easily while brushing. Excessive spit and night drools. Unpredictable. Tongue is unreliable as a reference to "what tastes good". Talks a lot while crying. Talks while sleeping. Laughs uncomfortably in maternity stores. Dreams of kissing baby.

Ears: Enjoy informational podcasts on Pregtastic.com.

Neck and arms: still skinny, wrists feel achy after computer work.

Hands: Like to blog to provide therapy for the brain. Nails are growing long and strong.

Boobs: Huge and painful with darkening...spots. Fit uncomfortably in two underwire bras, and not at all in my other five.

General Trunk Area: Plagued by pulling, cramping sensations on its surface, often "the feeling your abs are slowly being ripped apart". Does not respond well to sudden movements due to "round ligaments", which slowly torture pregnant women while they hold on to their last days of solace in their skinny ankles. Think thick, restrictive, internal bands chaining your inner groin to your hip flexors, that seize when you sneeze, or laugh, or roll over in bed.

Back: Generally uncomfortable and tense. I think I experienced a fraction of what "back labor" is like while I was pooping once.

Stomach: Nausea, vomiting, voracious growling, small capacity, high maintenance. Not to be confused with "belly".

Belly: Embryo turning to fetus inside, now slightly distended. Likes to be touched by myself and my husband, but is shy around others.

Bladder: Frequently full, frequently emptied.

Bowels: Full of bubbles, frequently emptied.

Butt: Sitting for a long time on any surface makes my tailbone KILL. Don't know why.

Lady Stuff: Heightened awareness. Mildish cramping or contraction-type feelings cause short internal tailspins and then go away.

Legs: Often feel like I ran a half-marathon 2 days ago. Achy, and in constant need of stretching.

Ankles: Still there

Feet: live in constant fear of getting 1/2 to a FULL size bigger due to ligament loosening and general bad luck.

Body: Generally tires after about 1/3 of the "to do" list. Can walk for about an hour before sitting, but can't stand in one spot for 10 minutes without feeling lightheaded. No, I don't lock my knees. Doesn't like to bend over. Succumbing to itself slowly after multiple episodes of doing too much and seeing spots. Prefers fleece muppet blanket while napping for three-hour bouts.

I generally wake up and inspect my body for the next bizzare thing this process will inflict upon me. I found it this morning, but I'm not gonna tell you about it. It's getting creepy, and I don't even know how to classify what it is.

And if you think all of this is bad, you should hear about some of the things I torture myself with reading. Stuff happens to pregnant and laboring women that is unspeakable. I've actually promised myself to stop reading that kind of stuff. All it does is make you feel like a mild to moderate hypochondriac, and it seems to me that no matter what you tell your OB, they won't be surprised, and they'll tell you it's totally normal, so don't bother, unless your OB works at this office:

Let's just say, once you read about 2 sentences about "stage 4 tearing", you decide that you're just gonna pray instead of being informed. Let's just say, I pray a lot.